East City University
by Empress of Everything
Summary: No one is quite sure how East City University still runs. The professors are all raging alcoholics and the students are the only ones who seem to have any sense. At least, that's how it seems. But Professors Yao, Elric, and Yao, if asked, would say…yeah, it's true. {Fem!Ed, modern AU}
1. Monday Morning

**A/N:** _And here we have yet another new ongoing story. It'll be collection of drabbles of varying length and in no particular order but with an overarching storyline. I hope y'all like it!_

 _Prompt:_

 _Can I drink yet?_

 _It's Monday morning._

 _Your point?_

* * *

"Can I drink yet?"

She stared at the man half-draped over her desk. At this point, she honestly shouldn't be surprised. He was there, half on her desk, almost every morning. Picking up a pencil, she began poking his head repeatedly with the eraser. "It's Monday morning."

He lifted his head, batting at the pencil, and scowled. "Your point?"

Eden chuckled. She understood the feeling because the weekend had ended waaay too quickly. She hadn't even made time, sorry, _had time_ to mark all the papers from Friday and boy, was she regretting that poor decision. Drinking with Izumi and Sig wasn't an adequate substitute. "You have a class to teach in less than an hour. Granted, that is _more_ than enough time to get completely plastered, but you can't teach completely plastered. Especially since you have Oliver Armstrong in this next class." Ling moaned and slid off Eden's desk to land in a boneless heap on the floor of their shared office.

He lay on the floor, listening to the scratching of Eden's red pen. It was a familiar, soothing sound, one that had put him to sleep at home on more than one occasion.

"How do you suggest I handle Armstrong, Ed?"

"Which one? The good one or the evil one?"

Ling's squinty eyes popped up over the edge of her desk, giving her a death glare. "Which one do you _think_?"

"Put some wine in one of those pomegranate juice bottles and go to class like that," Greed said as he entered the office, kicking the Ling rug on his way in. "That's how I deal with her." He ignored Ling's squawks and stopped to drop a kiss on Ed's forehead. "Morning, beautiful." Her response was a scowl and a half-hearted swipe that he dodged way too easily.

"Greed, I _just_ told him he can't drink right now. It's too early and he has a class to teach in forty-five minutes."

"Hey, he's dealing with Armstrong. It's never to early to be drinking in this case."

"Why do you guys hate her so much? She's really not _that_ bad."

Ling and Greed regarded Eden as if she had just stood up and declared her loyalty to Drachma University, ECU's long-standing rival. "Ed…" Ling said slowly, "I'm nearly 100% sure Oliver Armstrong is the literal devil. There is something unnatural about that woman and I don't like it."

"I think you're just being dramatic." With a click, Eden dropped her pen back on her desk with a half-gloating smile. "There, all the biochem papers marked. Now if you two jokers will excuse me, I have a class to torment. I mean, teach." With a swish of her long red skirt, that Greed was eyeing appreciatively, and a wicked smirk, she was out the door and down the hall. Both brothers sighed. She was a force of nature to be reckoned with.

"Oh and Ling?" The man in question jumped. He hadn't heard her approaching… "Your class is about to start. Better get on the ball and get down there."

Greed's raucous laughter followed his brother down the hall as Ling hurtled toward his class, cursing the whole way. Eden merely smiled.


	2. Beer and Science

_Prompt: WHY IS FOOD SO DELCIOUS_

 _BECAUSE SCIENCE_

* * *

kingofxing: **_WHY IS FOOD SO DELCIOUS_**

fullmetal: _BECAUSE SCIENCE_

kingofxing: **_SCIENCE IS AMAZING_**

fullmetal: _ISN'T IT_

fullmetal: _I LOVE SCIENCE_

kingofxing: **_SCIENCE MADE FOOD SO I LOVE SCIENCE TOO_**

fullmetal: _WE SHOULD DO SCIENCE WHEN WE GET HOME I'LL BRING HOME THE BEER_

greedy butt: **you guys don't need beer to do science**

greedy butt: **you're crazy enough at science without the beer**

greedy butt: **beer just makes it worse**

greedy butt: **also, turn off capslock**

greedy butt: **and Ed, please stop changing my contact name**

fullmetal: _NEVER_

fullmetal : _AND OF COURSE WE NEED BEER FOR SCIENCE IT MAKES EVERYTHING MORE EXCITING_

fullmetal: _WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF FUN GREED_

greedy butt: **I lost it**

greedy butt: **last time you did something that 'exciting', we had to call the fire department. again**

kingofxing: **_LAST TIME IZUMI WAS INVOLVED OF COURSE WE HAD TO CALL THE FIRE FIGHTERS_**

greedy butt: **turn off capslock**

greedy butt: **and that's it, I'm confiscating all the science things**

greedy butt: **including the bunsen burners you left next to the bed, Ed**

greedy butt: **and unplugging the stove and microwave**

kingofxing: **_YOU CAN'T DO THAT HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MAKE FOOD_**

fullmetal: _YEAH GREED_

fullmetal: _HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MAKE FOOD_

greedy butt: **I'll order takeout as long both of you come home and promise no science in the house for the rest of the weekend**

kingofxing: **_DEAL_**

greedy butt: **Ed?**

fullmetal: ….

fullmetal: _…._

fullmetal: _fine but it has to be from Chang's_

greedy butt: **fine by me**


	3. Losing Badly Against Dear Old Dad

_Prompt: My dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what I do I can't win._

* * *

 _Ding._

Greed absently grabbed his phone to read the text that was probably, if not 100% guaranteed, from his favorite blonde. She'd gone back home for the weekend, a rare thing, and was most likely bored out of her mind. He didn't blame her. He'd gone to Resembool on a visit before and being surrounded by sheep and fields was boring as all get out. No wonder Eden had left for East City and never gone back. There was, quite simply, no future for her in the tiny farm town. She was too brilliant to stay stuck in a backwater place like that.

He swiped the notification and read the text, pleased that his intuition had been correct and it was Eden.

fullmetal: _My dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what I do I can't win_.

"What the hell?" he scoffed aloud, wondering if he'd read the text correctly. He read it again, and yes, he'd read it right the first time.

greedy butt: **how the hell is your old man beating you? isn't your body made of like forty percent alcohol at this point?**

greedy butt: **and how are you texting clearly?**

fullmetal: _I'm not sure how he's beating me. It must be the years he has on me._

fullmetal: _And years of practice, my friend._

fullmetal: _and I think fifty-five percent might be a closer estimate._

greedy butt: **what are you guys drinking?**

fullmetal: _Beer. He's had like thirteen at this point and is just now slurring. Though to be fair, I did have a shot of tequila before we started this little contest._

greedy butt: **well that might be why**

fullmetal: _I'm pretty sure he planned it this way._

greedy butt

 **are you going to be okay?**

fullmetal: _Oh yeah, I'll be fine. I'll drink some water before I go to bed and hope I'll be okay._

greedy butt: **okay then**

greedy butt: **goodnight**

fullmetal: _night, Greed. ILY XOXO_

greedy butt: _goodnight moron_

greedy butt: ….

greedy butt: **I love you too.**


	4. Happy New Year! Let's Blow Shit Up!

_Prompt: The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories_

 _Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences_

 _Great clearly means different things to us_

 _AND_

 _'Reckless behavior with dire consequences' is my middle name._

* * *

"Okay Greed, Ling, hear me out." Eden spread her arms with studied care, her bright eyes half-focused. The liquid in her wine glass sloshed a bit onto her hand as she waved it about. "All we gotta do is go in there, get the gunpowder, strontium nitrate, and fuses." She tossed back the rest of what definitely wasn't wine and threw the glass over her shoulder. "Boom, instant purple fireworks. We're heroes. And scientists. Which is the same thing."

Drunk Eden was a handful and a half and Greed was not getting paid enough to put up with her shenanigans and the mayhem she left in her wake.

"Ed, I really don't think you should try to put together fireworks while drunk, no matter what Izumi might've suggested."

She pouted. "You're a spoilsport."

"No, I just don't feel like going to jail on New Year's Eve. Again."

"Had enough of that in your college days, eh brother?"

"Shut it, you." Greed shot Ling a murderous look. "Stop encouraging her."

Both brothers looked toward their coworker and roommate, who was intently focused on walking in a straight line toward the door of their condo. She wasn't having much success. Whatever she'd been drinking before this whole fiasco began had already begun to affect her sense of balance and when explosives were appropriate. Halfway to the door, she turned and struck a heroic pose.

"Oh, come off it. 'Reckless behavior with dire consequences' is my middle name."

"Really? I thought it was Aurelia!" Ling looked delighted. Greed just scowled. Clearly he was surrounded by drunken idiots. He reeled back when Eden suddenly appeared right in front of him, her gold tipped finger jabbing into his chest.

"The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories. Don't miss out because you're a wet blanket!"

"Either great stories or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences, brother, take your pick."

Greed eyed the eager pair of troublemakers. "Great clearly means different things to us." All he wanted to do was stay home, drink a bit of champagne, watch the clock flip over to midnight, then go to bed. That was it. He hadn't signed up to babysit his brother and roommate who wanted to blow shit up and get arrested.

"Greed…" Eden tugged on his sleeve, drawing his attention back to her. "We just want to ring in the New Year right."

Damn, why were her puppy eyes so hard to deny?

"Fine. Let's go before my common sense comes back and I lock the pair of you up."

Whooping filled the air as the two dragged Greed from the apartment and off into the crisp night of the last day of the year to blow up the sky.

What a way to end the year.

* * *

 **A/N:** _Happy New Year, everyone! Please celebrate safely and responsibly and don't blow things up!_


	5. Teacher of the Month

**A/N:** _It's finals week. Have dumb teachers who drink too much._

 _Have I ever said how much I love this story?_

 _Prompt: Do you think I could use my Teacher of the Month award to get free drinks?_

* * *

"Do you think I could use my Teacher of the Month award to get free drinks?" Eden mused aloud one Thursday afternoon. Greed just snorted and kept scribbling. He had two lectures to give later that day and his notes were in desperate need of an update. Ling looked up from the soccer roster he'd just been given in surprise.

"You got awarded the Teacher of the Month? I didn't know that was still a thing."

"Yeah, I know. Bradley threw it out and Grumman brought it back. Doesn't make any sense because there's no criteria or standards. It's kind of just a thing he does arbitrarily." She slumped in her chair, contemplating the far wall. "We should put a picture on that wall. It's terribly dull. All tan and blank like the rest of this damn school."

"We tried to do that last year and it ended with Ling crying on the floor of Home Goods and you threatening me with a breakup despite us not dating. In front of the entire store. While yelling. Over a picture. So that's a _terrible_ idea."

Eden shot Greed a look. "Way to be a party pooper, Mr. Sunshine," she grumbled. She swiveled slowly back and forth in her chair, absently drinking from a glass Ling had set on her desk when he came in that morning. "You know, I'm honestly surprised we _don't_ have anything on that wall. We've been in this office for how long?"

"Five years or so," Ling answered, paging through his roster and trying to decipher Lan Fan's messy scrawl.

"Exactly," Eden gestured with her glass. "Also, what did you put in this? This sweet tea tastes off."

"I think there's rum in there? But I make no assurances. It was just in the school fridge, unlabeled."

"Ah, gotcha." She blinked. "You know that's really dangerous. Winry likes to drink really strong stuff in her tea."

"You're still alive, aren't you? So clearly it's fine."

The three continued on with their work, the strains of Hamilton floating through the office.

"I think Al still has some of my old posters from high school. Maybe that'll brighten up the wall."

Greed slammed his folder down and glared murder at his now-smirking coworker. "Damn it, Eden, _shut up_! Put up any poster you want! I don't care! Just shut the hell up so some of us can actually get some work done around here!"

Ling groaned as Eden smirked and cheered, doing a small dance in her chair. Now she had interior decorating power and they were going to be subjected to her horrific gothic style.

"And go get some booze while you're at it!"

 _Damn it, Greed…_


	6. I Need a Canteen

_Prompt: I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen._

* * *

There was a long-standing joke that the professors of East City University didn't run off of coffee or RedBull. They ran on alcohol. That the college actually ran, with all the classes on time and well prepared, with the state of the teachers was a head-scratcher.

More than one professor had come to class hungover but still ready to teach. It was unholy, some sort of witchcraft.

And each professor had a favorite type of alcoholic beverage, which gave Ms. Winry Rockbell, head of the Engineering department, her brilliant idea.

After the end of the first semester, when everyone returned to school, every single professor had a new nameplate on the doors of their office.

 **Izumi Curtis- Cognitive Science, Chemistry:** _brandy_

 **Sig Curtis- Classical Studies:** _gin_

 **Eden Elric Biochemistry, Biophysics:** _vodka_

 **Greed Yao-Criminology:** _rum_

 **Ling Yao-Physics and Astronomy:** _sake_

 **Winry Rockbell-Engineering:** _tequila_

 **Lan Fan-International Relations, Karate:** _whisky_

 **Fu-Mathmatics:** _shochu_

 **Vato Falman-Economics:** _wine_

 **Kain Fuery-Communication:** _beer_

 **Van Hohenheim-History:** _arrack_

The other professors had edited nameplates as well, but Winry only took a few pictures to post and laugh over.

Professor Elric had, reportedly, just taken one look at her new nameplate and chuckled. "Winry forgot something," she said amiably. "I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen when I'm dealing with these two." And with that, she jerked her thumb toward the squabbling Yao brothers she shared an office with. "Greed! Stop trying to put Ling's head through the wall! We talked about this!" Her students watched in awe as she stumped over and forcibly separated the two, despite being nearly a foot shorter than both.

Many vowed to never piss off the short woman, ever again.


	7. I am the Lizard Queen!

_**A/N:** Going back to attending college with this one. Hohenheim doesn't know how to text and misses a LOT of letters, poor old guy. Plus awkward family relationships._

 _We found this one swimming naked in the fermentariaum._

 _I am the lizard queen!_

* * *

 _Bang! Bang! Bang!_

"Professor Van Hohenheim? Are you in there? Sorry to disturb you but it's important."

Van Hohenheim groaned, heaving himself off the couch. What now? On Thursday nights, nothing short of an international incident, a fire, or the death of one of his children could rouse him from his place on the couch, The Office, and his papers to be marked. "Coming!" He sighed out, grabbing his phone and shot a text to Izumi and Sig. Their group chat was titled _mature, like fine wine_.

sage (like the spice): _Five buks says it's Eden wo did it. I don't kow what happened but Eden ddid it._

noramommy: **keep us posted this is bound to be interesting**

sage (like the spice): _I'll try. She's dragging me awaay from marking 10 pages papers, so i cant be that mad at her._

The door opened to the sheepish face of Officer Darius. "Uh, sorry to bother you on a Thursday, Professor. But we have your daughter in custody at the station. And uh, we kind of need you to come collect her."

" _Again?_ "

Darius winced. "Yes, sir. I'm sorry. She's…not exactly in any state to get home safely by herself. And…yeah. We'll tell you down at the station."

HIs texts to Sig and Izumi grew more and more irritated as he and Darius drove in silence to the campus station.

sage (like the spice): _she's been arrested. AGAIN._

sage (like the spice): _why couldnt both my children be good children_

sage (like the spice): _why must I suffer like this_

sage (like the spice): _and why is it always my daughter. why can't Al cause problems sometimes_

housedad: _because that's how your daughter is. we helped raise her. she's kind of a hellion_

noramommy: **get used to it Vanny**

housedad: _you should be used to her behavior by now_

housedad: _she only does it to get your attention, you know that, right?_

Van Hohenheim looked around the small holding area. There were a couple other students scattered about, Heinkel and Jerso behind the desk looking pissed as hell, and a group of rowdy frat boys that were clearly the source of the cops irritation. Oh and his daughter.

Noticeably, only the frat boys were staring at his daughter. Van Hohenheim could hear Eden humming from here. This was going to be a good one.

"Oh Eden what have you done?"

Jerso coughed into his hand. Trying to hide a smile or actually irritated? "Evenin', Professor. We found this one swimming naked in the fermentariaum. Couldn't find her clothes either. So she most likely walked naked from wherever she was to go swimming in some nasty chemicals." He jerked a thumb toward the corner that housed his wayward oldest.

"The _what?_ She was _what? She did what?_ "

"I am the lizard queen!" Eden piped up. He turned to look at her. His oldest child, only daughter, pride and joy of his life just like her brother, was drenched to the bone, clutching a towel around her body. Bare shoulders brushed by dripping gold hair peeked out of the green fabric. Not only was she naked in a police station, she was also obviously well and truly drunk. If the way her gold eyes were crossing hadn't been enough of a giveaway. Van Hohenheim had seen her drunk only twice and never quite this…dramatically.

Gold eyes gleamed maniacally in the low light. As if she could feel them staring at her ( _she no doubt could_ ), slowly turned her head to look at the frat boys who'd been eyeing her up. Like something out of one of those hellishly awful horror movies Alphonse insisted on watching on the weekends, his daughter stared the entire station down.

And then she smiled.

"Dad!"

* * *

sage (like the spice): _remid me to never let my daughter drink again_


End file.
